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just how deep do you believe?

Oct. 2nd, 2014

01:19 pm - wow

Dani just actually reached an apex of insanity that only three year olds can reach where for the first time in about six months, I had to force her to take a nap in the middle of the day....she was whiny, screaming, tantruming, and has been in her time out chair about 10 times today. She is normally active, but not a brat. I can't wait until she gets a little older and isnt in this stage of balls to the wall energetic running about all day every day.

in other news, Jayme had to take a cab to work today since our radiator is cracked in the car and it cost him 20 dollars to go 5 miles from home...RIPOFF.

Sep. 26th, 2014

08:23 am - so hello

Apparently some people still use this thing. I miss it. Facebook is just too.....much. I just don't think anyone still uses this.

Ive missed you all.

Jul. 22nd, 2012

07:35 pm - my big 7 year old boy...

Luca has decided that he wants a pool for his birthday. We are having a piggy bank party for him so people can bring change and such to fill up his piggy bank to go towards his pool. The one he wants is 124.00 and would be plenty big enough. If anyone can donate 1-2-5-10-20 dollars, he would love to thank you via video post! Donate to candyloueaton@hotmail.com on paypal or bring change and small bills when you come to his party on Saturday!

May. 18th, 2012

10:45 pm - painful reminder...

I went in about three weeks ago and took my great grandfather's medals from my grandmother's dresser so that I could surprise her and put them in a shadowbox TO BE DISPLAYED AT HER HOUSE for her 78th birthday if she got to come home from the hospital. When I realized that she would never be able to come home, I returned them to her house and handed them to my mom to return to their spot in her dresser. Of course, my mom being the way that she is, went and told my grandfather that I had taken them and that she "rescued" them from me and returned them. He never even adknowledged that I returned them or anything. I assumed it was all good and smoothed over.

Well, my grandmother Wilma A. Lancaster died on her 78th birthday- May 11th 2012. She was my best friend in my eyes. So, at her very painful memorial service on May 15th (my daughter's 1st birthday, by the way), my grandfather completely ignored me. Pushed me away, even. The whole family acted like I was just a nuisance and like I was in the way. I couldnt figure out why, and I had no reason to even guess why he was being that way. Then, i started noticing him talking to everyone else... he came home and checked the door to see if i had broken in to the house when he got there because he didnt realize that my brother was there before me to unlock the door. I was confused.

Well, apparently, the paperwork that originally went with the medals from about 75 years ago is missing. I never had it, and had never seen it in any of the 300 times that my grandmother had shown them to me. He just assumed that I had the paperwork and never returned it. Whats more, he thinks that i maliciously stole from him while his wife was sick. This isnt his grief talking.. this isnt his pain making him act out, he has been...let's say...disinterested in me for about the last 13 years. Since I turned 18 and made him mad once, he just really hasnt had any interest in me whatsoever. Would never talk to me, would never call me, anything. I never had a reason why. I had no idea until my mother told me that he was upset at me for "stealing those medal documents and not returning them" that he was even upset with me, i just figured it was his nerves over his wife passing. Nope... he pulled all the other kids aside and talked to them and told me to sit down and not be there. He didnt talk to me about her dying, and he just didnt act right. I had no idea what was going on. I just left and didnt try to call him or anything.

So---fast forward to today... I called him to invite him to my daughter's first birthday party on sunday may 20th. He said "i think im gonna sit this one out. Frankly i am disappointed. Do you know why?"
I said no, and he said "when your grandmother was sick in the hospital, some things went missing and only part of them came back, and I dont appreciate that at all. In fact, what gives you the right to take my things without any warning or notice? I dont ever want to see you or your kids or husband's face around my house again, and i dont want to hear from you again. I dont trust you and until you can learn to act right and stop stealing from people, I dont want anything to do with you."

I just said "ok, fine" and hung up the phone.

I am completely without any idea of what to do at this point....I am DONE. NO MORE BEING HURT. I cant do it anymore. Either they will talk to me or they wont, but they will NOT hurt me just to get close to my kids. Fuck that, and fuck them.

I have decided that Thanksgiving and Christmas will be celebrated wherever he will NOT be from now on. I cant do it anymore. No more farce. There is no reason for it.

May. 1st, 2012

09:45 pm - *sigh* Them's the breaks, i guess....

So... life continues to change around me. I have a beautiful 11 month old baby. I have an amazingly wonderful nearly 7 year old son. I am married to the awesome, beautiful, patient person I have always believed doesnt exist. We are working on getting our lives together. My entire life has been molded around what my grandparents would and wouldnt think was right. (with the exceptions of premarital sex and hair colors that would shock a clown, and tattoos...you get the drift...) Morally I have been raised by the most precious grandparents that I could have ever had.

I was raised by them while Mom was in nursing school, while I was abandoned by my mom and left with my dad for a while, and they took care of me while i attempted my first college year. They have been helpful to me emotionally (except for a few horrible times) and financially at times, and have been wonderful great grandparents to my children. They are amazingly loved by everyone they come in contact with. My grandmother is the typical 50's housewife that would've put today's pinup models to shame with her milky white skin and pearly white teeth, stunning legs, and ruby red lips. She raised four children who were each definitely quirky and unique in their own ways, and were at times impossible. She has seen all six of her grandchildren grow up and flourish, has spent time getting to know her two great grandchildren, and I have had an awesome 31 years getting to know her and love her. My grandfather is a college graduate, masters of education from Mercer university. He specialized in science and was principal and vice principal of several schools. He is still loved by his former staff members. They are pillars of their church community and are both the most helpful people you could ever want to meet. Grandmother is old fashioned and rather strong in her faith in God. My grandfather is good with cabinetry, cars, and so much more. They, as a couple, have been my rock for my entire life. I have been driving down to visit them in Fayetteville consistently for almost four years straight.

They took me and my sister on trips to florida, theme parks, to the mountains, the circus, and did so much for me that I could never ever recall it all unless something sparked it. I have never had a lack of activities to do, whether it was skiing, boating, skating, field trips, going to Europe twice (though only once was on their behalf), and I have never been lacking in a safe place to go when I felt compromised or scared. Until the second half of my life.

About 17 years ago, Grandmother was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had one removed. I thought she would almost certainly die then. I was destroyed while they were doing the surgery. She pulled through just fine. She has been on a constant regimen of vitamins, medicines, and various other medicines ever since. She has had ups and downs, and about four years ago, she was told that she had cancer again. It was found in her pancreas, lungs, liver, kidneys, and stomach. They gave her about six months to live and told her that her kidneys were failing slowly but surely. Soon after that, they gave her medication to thin her blood and to keep her heart at a regulated, less erratic pace, along with a chance to take a new, experimental drug that could possibly give her another year to spend with her family. Four years later, and MANY atrial fibrillations later, she was still kicking hard at easter, eating dinner, playing with the baby and loving on her grandkids. She brought me a hand-knitted potholder and gave me a beautiful picture of me with my kids that she had taken.

Last week, my mom called me and let me know that my grandmother Wilma Abernathy Lancaster, age ALMOST 78, had a heart attack. My heart dropped to my feet. She was alive, was being tested, and treated for her situation. She was at Piedmont-Fayette hospital. I immediately tried to rationalize that it was grandmother, and she was likely to pull through this and remain riddled with cancer until she died painfully, so there was no way that this was serious.

If I had known how wrong I was, I would have just fallen apart on the phone. Two days after her heart attack, she started to go gradually into kidney failure. She was barely able to stand, barely able to talk, and definitely not able to eat anything or drink more than 1000ml of liquid a day. She has started to make plans for her memorial service. She will be cremated as soon as possible after she dies.

As the days have gone on, her condition has gone in waves...up and down, better, a little worse and much worse...I went to see her alone about three days ago and she was tired. She was bloated, her skin looked like elastic, and she was so bruised that it was almost difficult to tell where the bruises ended and the scabs from the needles started. She is wearing her wedding ring, though her finger is swollen around it so badly that it makes me cringe. She is in good spirits, as she has finally come to terms with what is happening. She knows that she has to say her goodbyes now. She has seen or talked to and said her goodbyes to all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren, as well as three of her four children, the fourth of whom should be coming home from a business trip in a day or so. She had me relay a message to her neighbor and best friend saying that she loves her but that she wont be coming home again, and that she appreciated all of the coffee and laughter and dinners and vacations that they have ever shared. She is heartbroken.

My grandfather tried to have a talk with me today and I just couldn't do it. He simply told me that he cant figure out how the person that is closest to me in the entire world can be dying and that I am not even acting upset. He thinks that I am made of stone. He loves me and that he knows that I can see the pasture past the field of shit that we have to wade through to get to it, and that I am stronger than anyone he has ever met. He told me that they loved me more than I could ever possibly know, and that they were proud to have raised me from birth, and that he hopes that i knew how much she worried, prayed, loved, cared about, and talked about me. He said that when she was completely knocked out the other day and in pain, she was saying my name in her sleep. He said that he knew that when i came, she would start to give up.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life not to explode with tears.

She will be moved to hospice in the next few days. She has had her IV's and dietary restrictions removed. Mom asked her yesterday what she wanted if she could eat anything in the entire world, and she said she wanted a grilled cheese. Mom got her one, along with a bag of chips and a coca-cola classic. anyone who knows my grandmother knows that she loves chips and soda, but hasnt been allowed to eat them for the last 5 years or so because of her heart. She doesnt care anymore. Today, I took my babies to visit her. She was elated. It was almost obvious that she closed a door when they left. She knew she would never see them again while she was alive. It was gutwrenching. She has delegated jobs to people for her memorial service and the gathering afterwards at her house. She smiled at me as I combed her hair and put her lip gloss on her today. She asked me to let her smell her flowers from her yard, and told me that it was a shame that she never got to see the ocean one last time. She just wanted to see the sun set and see the beach again, but knew that she never would. I kissed her on the lips and the cheek and the forehead, thanked her for every single thing that I have ever had in my entire life, including my morals, and i left.

My god, I dont know what i am going to do.

Apr. 4th, 2012

06:34 pm - Girl time :)

I love having friends who I can reconnect with that aren't using me for anything and who i don't feel like are going to stab me in the back. (unless i ask for it)

Thank you so much for helping us out when we really and truly needed it and not thinking that we were trying to mooch off of you or anything.

I am enjoying some very much needed time with a good friend that I haven't been able to see for a long while due to some extraneous drama that was surrounding the whole friendship, and I am having a blast! :) My precious little girl absolutely adores her, too, which is unusual! I think I could get used to having a friend around who isn't feeling like the other people who are around are trying to control her opinions or what she does involving me. It's nice to reconnect with people who are POSITIVE influences on my kids and aren't controlling or mean to them. :)

Apr. 3rd, 2012

11:40 pm - Whoever needs to see this:

Ya know what, if anyone on my friends list has any issue with me standing up for someone that i have known for YEARS and that I believe when no one else believes her, you can just go ahead and delete me from your friends list and your life. She knows who she is, and i dont give a shit who believes what, as long as you dont tell me that i am stupid for believing her. Dont judge me, and dont judge her in front of me or around me. That is all. If you dont know what or who i am talking about, this doesnt concern you and its better that way anyway.

Mar. 9th, 2012

08:38 pm - Bout time for an update

Well, we finally got the hell out of west Georgia. Good freakin riddance. We were tired of not being able to get around town without spending insane amounts of money to do so, and now we have a marta bus stop basically in front of our house in DECATUR, GA. We decided that moving to Tennessee would be a little out of our range as far as finances go for now. We are still planning on it, but not for now. We are paring down our friends lists, as there are still some people we just dont need to have in our lives because we are sick of drama. If you act like a 12 year old, you should be 12, not over 30. Congrats if you see this, you are a decent person.

Dani is almost 10 months old already, and is VERY active. She is almost walking, pulling up, has a tooth, and eats anything that isnt nailed down. We finally have internet at our house for the first time in about a year. We had a blast living out in Carrollton, but it was definitely time to move on. Too many hardships to endure. We got our taxes and moved closer to the real world. Luca is doing well at school so far even though he is an EXTREME minority (which, as a disclaimer, is not an issue for us, but as an educator, it will probably irritate me in the long run since luca is a little more intelligent than his fellow classmates.) He will turn 7 in July, if you can believe that.

Jayme and I got married back on December 22nd legally, and we are doing great in that area. we have never had an argument or a fight..we always talk about our problems before they really turn into problems. My family isnt happy that we moved out here to decatur because they say that Luca will suffer from "turning into a wigger from being around all of the blacks", which we know is complete bullshit, but thats to be expected from a bunch of rednecks. My brothers just got their own place in Bremen with one of their girlfriends and have been working at Honda Lock for a few months. I am insanely proud of them.

Well, wish us luck. We are gonna need it...Jayme is starting school where I go online at Grand Canyon University.

Dec. 5th, 2011

01:28 pm

For those of you who have been keeping up, Jayme and I are finally getting married on December 30th. We are doing a quiet little thing at the courthouse, and then planning a big party for a few weeks later in the middle of January. Many of you have asked me where we are registered, and we decided to register on amazon.com. Thank you in advance if anyone decides to send us anything from the list.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wedding/18WGC5XDZJQUY

Also, let me know if you want to come to the reception party!

May. 19th, 2011

09:32 pm - Welcome to the Universe, my daughter!

Hey ladies! I figured since my last update about my little one was so drug-induced and freshly out of a C-section, I would give you a formal update. Dani River Register was born May 15th at 4:31 pm via early c-section. She was 7 lb 4 oz and 18 inches. My water broke Sunday in little spurts and I made it to the hospital two days early just in time for contractions to be 1 minute apart and pretty strong. They decided to admit me and take the baby almost immediately. I didn't honestly have time to panic or get emotionally distraught (THANK GOD) and I sat holding my husbands hand while I listened to them taking the little tiny girl out of me and tying my tube. I was out of recovery with only a little touch of pre-eclampsia blood pressures in under an hour. I was up walking and de-catheterized in about 6 hours and the next morning I got myself up without help (though extremely painfully) and held strong through the day. My only complaint about the whole process other than the pain is that being in the hospital bed for so long caused my tailbone to hurt so badly that I was in tears. I am still hurting pretty badly but I have been out running errands with my mother and husband and child(ren!) and seem to be doing ok I am glad to never have to be pregnant again, but I wouldnt trade the tiny little wriggling angel that I have for anything in the world. Oh--I pretty much demanded that my IV be removed on Monday afternoon and that I be allowed to go home on Tuesday, as my mom is a nurse and is good at wound care. I am not sure how to use the pic cut tool, so I will just post three of them.

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